Becoming Me

           Most people who meet me tell me that I am a very confident person who is very good at doing and getting what I want.  If they only knew me a few years ago, they might be saying something completely different.  I mean, yes, I had always had a kind of strength about me that let me deal with a lot of things and be a leader when I had to, but I never felt like that was me.  Everything was for everyone else.  First for my little sisters who I had to raise when my parents couldn’t.  For my Grandmother, whom I absolutely adored.  My kids. My friends. My cousins.  The list goes on.  Everyone I knew, it seemed, needed me to handle their life for them and I had no time for my own thoughts and desires.  School had to be put on hold.  Relationships could not even enter my mind I was so busy with other people’s needs.

            Then my Grandmother started to have brain problems.  As her mind quickly deteriorated, she made it a point to tell me all the things she had tried to tell me while I was growing up. She apologized for instilling in me the virtue of “family first”.  In her mind, it was her fault that I had given up having fun so that I could take care of everyone.  Hearing her apologize for something, when she was my hero and could do no wrong, it kind of woke me up.  It made me realize how much I had put myself on the back burner for other people.  That wasn’t life I was living, those were days I was wasting.  I continued to care for her until the very horrible day that she passed away, and then I made the decision to take back myself.  To be the ME I should have been from the beginning.  I started saying no to the things that I knew my family actually could take care of themselves.  I started going for walks because I wanted the time to meditate.  I started trying the foods that I had always wanted to try, and learning the things I hadn’t had time for before.

         Now, my life isn’t exactly where I want it to be, but I am well on my way there.  Going back to school is just one step in the process. I still take care of my family, and I will always be there for my friends and the people who are important to me, but now I make sure that their problems and issues don’t take over my life. Now I make sure that I put my foot down and do whatever it takes to achieve my goals.  Goals I had thought almost impossible just a few years ago, which now are closer than ever.  Everyday is a life changing event and I figure as long as I see it as a change for the better then everything’s going along just fine indeed.