Read Tortilla Curtain, then you'll understand...

      If there was one word I would use to describe the character Delaney, from T.C. Boyle’s book, “Tortilla Curtain,” it would be pusillanimous.  I had to look up this word when I was in the 7^th grade, and I have been waiting for the perfect time to use it, and here it is: “Pusillanimous:  lacking courage and resolution : marked by contemptible timidity.”  Delaney’s constantly timid in dealing with his peers, and his lack of courage to stand up for himself astounds me.  He didn’t really start out that way.  In the beginning, Delaney was about tolerance and all things nature and connected.  However, as instances started happening, he let the prejudices and fears of those around him, influence his way of thinking.  Suddenly, he was noticing bad omens all around him. Mexicans who only wanted to steal things, and dirty things, and make everything worse.  I call him pusillanimous because, as the word states, he knows his thoughts are wrong, he knows his neighbors are wrong, and yet he has not the courage to really stand up and do something about it.  He is perfectly okay with living his life in his little bubble.  Each passing chapter I read, his inner monologue tells of his struggles with the racism and blame going on, and yet, his outward actions and words prove him to be nothing more than whatever people want him to be.

      For example; he never wanted the gate to be put up, and he made a half hearted, barely perceived argument against it.  In his mind he was dead-set about that gate.  Yet, when he sees a car drive by slowly with loud music, his first decree is that yes, the gate might be good after all.  He has no idea who is in the car, or why they are there in the neighborhood.  He doesn’t see the driver or any passengers, but he feels because of what Jack said, that in all likelihood, they are Mexican and up to no good. Delaney never considers that the threat could be from teenagers already living in Arroyo Blanco or any other situation that could account for the car.  Simply taking in all the racist rhetoric Jack and his cronies have been spouting, is enough to create doubt and suspicion in Delaney’s mind.  It is my opinion that Delaney embodies the word pusillanimous simply because he is weak where others are concerned.

     When Kyra states that she made an effort to get rid of the labor stand, Delaney feels that was a step too far.  Does he say anything to her about his actual thoughts? Nope.  Before that, he sees the man he ran over getting beat up in the parking lot of a store.  Does he help? No, once again, he pushes his good conscious aside and instead attributes Candido’s beat down to a “serves him right for begging,” mentality.  In the beginning of the book, you would think that maybe, just maybe he would have tried to stop the fight, or intervened in some way.  By that chapter, however, you learn that he has accepted this outward way of thinking to the point where he is just fine with letting a fellow human being get beat up. Trash, animals, plants, and all  nature be saved, but to Delaney, Mexicans be damned. 

The Definition of Horror

                Horror is a frightening intense feeling of fear.  The progression of horror is insidious. It starts as a minor fright, maybe a scratch at the window, or a noise in a supposedly empty house.  That inkling that something just isn’t right.  As a child, you are safe and whole, cared for in the bosom of family, and yet one incident, one frightening moment can begin that loss of innocence that precludes abject horror.  It the movie, “IT” based on Stephen King’s novel, the children of the town are terrorized by the evil spirit clown Pennywise.  A childhood friend is missing and turns up dead and the trauma of that loss sets off a chain reaction throughout the town.  Seeing this movie myself when I was a kid left me with this insane fear of clowns and all things clown related.  Now that I’m an adult, I can honestly tell you that just the mention of watching that movie again sets the hairs on the back of my neck raising.  Seeing Pennywise eating children and those horrible teeth all yellowed and be-fanged was, in my opinion, the most perverse way to turn the innocence of a child’s party Clown into the very thing nightmares are made of. 

Becoming Me

           Most people who meet me tell me that I am a very confident person who is very good at doing and getting what I want.  If they only knew me a few years ago, they might be saying something completely different.  I mean, yes, I had always had a kind of strength about me that let me deal with a lot of things and be a leader when I had to, but I never felt like that was me.  Everything was for everyone else.  First for my little sisters who I had to raise when my parents couldn’t.  For my Grandmother, whom I absolutely adored.  My kids. My friends. My cousins.  The list goes on.  Everyone I knew, it seemed, needed me to handle their life for them and I had no time for my own thoughts and desires.  School had to be put on hold.  Relationships could not even enter my mind I was so busy with other people’s needs.

            Then my Grandmother started to have brain problems.  As her mind quickly deteriorated, she made it a point to tell me all the things she had tried to tell me while I was growing up. She apologized for instilling in me the virtue of “family first”.  In her mind, it was her fault that I had given up having fun so that I could take care of everyone.  Hearing her apologize for something, when she was my hero and could do no wrong, it kind of woke me up.  It made me realize how much I had put myself on the back burner for other people.  That wasn’t life I was living, those were days I was wasting.  I continued to care for her until the very horrible day that she passed away, and then I made the decision to take back myself.  To be the ME I should have been from the beginning.  I started saying no to the things that I knew my family actually could take care of themselves.  I started going for walks because I wanted the time to meditate.  I started trying the foods that I had always wanted to try, and learning the things I hadn’t had time for before.

         Now, my life isn’t exactly where I want it to be, but I am well on my way there.  Going back to school is just one step in the process. I still take care of my family, and I will always be there for my friends and the people who are important to me, but now I make sure that their problems and issues don’t take over my life. Now I make sure that I put my foot down and do whatever it takes to achieve my goals.  Goals I had thought almost impossible just a few years ago, which now are closer than ever.  Everyday is a life changing event and I figure as long as I see it as a change for the better then everything’s going along just fine indeed. 

World Wide Wind Technology

Prejudice

Prejudice is all around us.  Unfortunately that is a fact of life that just has not gone away yet, and probably will not for a long time to come.  I truly believe this hatred towards another person based on something like the way they look, or where they go to church, or who they fall in love with is about the worst thing on Earth.  To me, I feel this behavior is taught through the generations.  Children are not born discriminatory. They pick up the lessons of hate and ignorance from those around them.  In the Twilight Zone episode, “Eye of the Beholder,” America has made an attempt to end this prejudice in the future.  Their attempt failed.  Instead of having a nation united, they simply flipped the switch.  Everyone who is deemed pretty in our current view, is now considered a blight to society and must be contained as if they were a whole separate species.  I wish I could say that true equality is coming, but the harsh reality is that there will always be at least one group of people who are prejudiced against for something or other.  Jealousy, ignorance, and fear the basis behind prejudice, are a part of the human condition, and these emotions are not going away overnight. 

Tattoos are like time capsules. Little reminders of a moment in time, written down in the skin for all to see, for years to come.  The one I chose is my own ink.  It sits on the inside of my right wrist, The Triple Goddess symbol outlined in shadow, with a crooked broom flying through it.  Life never works quite the way you want it, and I am one of those fortunate souls to have had a very trying and strenuous life.  The Triple Goddess is a representation of The Child, The Mother, and The Crone.  To me it means don’t take life too seriously, care for those around you, and be wise in your decisions. Something I wasn't always doing.  The broom is a symbol to me of cleanliness. Starting each day with a clean sweep.  Not letting past hurts ruin my future choices.  So when I see someone with a tattoo, I think that person got it for a reason.  Even if they were drunk that night at least they have that reminder to never get THAT drunk again.  Getting ink is a personal and very permanent decision and one that I believe carries a lesson in every artistic piece.